 | Welcome!!! | Nov 29, 2004 |
Hi, I guess it's high-time I jumped on the bandwagon... but I'm quite new at this so here goes!!! Anyway, comments, suggestions and any violent reactions are readily accepted (hehehe!).
 | 12072009 | Dec 6, '09 11:50 PM
for everyone |
- because time just happens by -
Time just happens by.
seconds, minutes, hours turning into days
the days just merge into the months that's passed
and before I know it a year has gone.
Time just happens by
while I go through the motions of my everyday
not noticing that I'm being left behind
not knowing if the wind will again blow my way
Time just happens by
and I happened to have been looking away
too engrossed with my present, too mindful of the now
too distracted to know that time happened by without me
Because time happened by
and everybody happened along it
and because I was looking away
I was left without time, alone.
41 days ago we lost a loved one. Often, when I'm asked how I am related to her, a confused look flits at my face. I tell them she's my cousin, although she's so much more than what that label restricts -- for me, for us. She is my ate. Though people may argue by my use of the "is" versus "was," I have never agreed to using the latter. Yes, my lolo died. He only ceased to exist in the flesh, but he will never cease to have that place in our family that labelled him our lolo. And yes, ate did die, but the place she held in my life when she was here with us, and still in our memories, will always be that - as ate. She is my ate, and she's the reason why I chose to change schools from JASMS to OLGA. She's the one with the distinct "A" and "G" script when she writes her surname. She fascinated me with her studied and precise handwriting and inspired me to do the same (though I wasn't always successful). When I was young, I was too introverted. One time, I was holed up in the car, having my alone time while listening to the music. She's the one who told me, and taught me, that responsibility comes with holding something in your hands, no matter how small, no matter how seemingly insignificant it seems. This after I inconveniently locked the car keys in the ignition because I accidentally locked the door when I went out of the car. She was my playmate. Was, because of course she sort of grew up. But she was still the one who taught me how to experiment with baby powder and water, and play with it like it was make believe icing, while on a visit at their house in Macabagdal. And she was the one who accompanied me in all those other small but secret experiments during the time that we lived together.  She was my friend. Was, because I guess I cannot be friends with someone I cannot physically touch and personally talk with. But when she was there, it didn't seem like there was downtime. It was almost too much to talk about all the things we did try to talk about. No censors, all understanding. Mostly about life, and how I was faring living mine. Also about family, and people, when I try to understand how people are, or things are, and I try to verify with her if I'm still doing okay. We only stopped when others were listening hehehe.
She was company - and I was company too. During those after-school trips to Grand Central to buy some school supplies or stationery at Expressions which took exactly one hour (6pm to 7pm) all the time. And I guess it was from her too that I took to collecting my own set of statio when it was my turn to go to OLGA. With her I learned patience - something I lost when I went to college. I also learned focus - something that weakend because of the distractions life offered me. It seemed always strange, but with her it seemed life was put in its best perspective, and I was the best me, the most balanced and contented me. It was easier to think, during those times that we weren't in touch, that she would forever be part of our lives. Yes, dying was a much bigger possibility for her, but I've always prayed that things wouldn't turn out that way for her - she was too alive...she was too much a part of our lives. But I guess God had a different plan. We had our fingers crossed that the AICD would give her a new lease on life - heck we were very relieved that she agreed to having one implanted at all...but I guess it was not meant to be. It was a loss for all of us. Because Ate Tummy could have taught a lot of people - me included, a thing or two about grace, and unyielding faith. She had it pat down, and she never lost a beat (pun not intended...). I guess things are better off for her now. Less of the nagging pain, more freedom. Some days, the pain is a lot more bearable, the heart a little less heavy. Some other days, though I try to forget, I can't seem to fail to remember. I guess...today is one of those days
|  | Compiled pictures namin sa Makati Medical Center where our Ate Tummy has been (and still is) confined for the past 3 weeks na ata. Hehe, hindi naman masyadong masaya ang mga bantay diba?
With special photo ops of biggie, and later on idadagdag ko rin ang mga pictures ni bubuy my bear at tulog na weejay, at mernel's cake (wow saraaaap!).
Anyweiz, please pray for our cousin! :) She'll be having an operation this week where an AICD-DDD (pacemaker) will be attached to her hehe. So ayun, goodbye cellphone, goodbye microwave oven, at goodbye metal detectors -- malls, na sya hehehehe :p |
| Start: | Mar 23, '08 10:30a | | End: | Mar 29, '08 2:00p | | Location: | Bangkok, Thailand |
Training funded and organized by the UNEP/GEF South China Sea Project, with the help of Katsetsart University, the country members to the project were asked to nominate participants. There are four participants for the Philippines - moi, Rhea Lyn my officemate, Joy from PAWB, and Mr. Sammy Malvas from BFAR whom we have yet to meet.
(lifted from http://bagsonmymind3.multiply.com/journal/item/67/God_Lives_Under_The_Bed - quite nice :) -denz ) (lifted in its entirety from http://ticklemesweet.multiply.com/journal/item/232 - i just HAD to!!! it's nice having something like this on your own page to be reminded of how life should be led...)
I think this is perhaps one of the best e-mails I have ever read. I hope you will enjoy it half as much as I have!! Don't start reading this one until you've got more than 3 or 4 minutes to just 'scan' over it. It deserves some time for reflection.
I envy Kevin. My brother Kevin thinks God lives under his bed. At least that's what I heard him say one night. He was praying out loud in his dark bedroom, and I stopped to listen, 'Are you there, God?' he said. 'Where are you? Oh, I see. Under the bed...' I giggled softly and tiptoed off to my own room.
Kevin's unique perspectives are often a source of amusement. But that night something else lingered long after the humor I realized for the first time the very different world Kevin lives in. He was born 30 years ago, mentally disabled as a result of difficulties during labor. Apart from his size (he's 6-foot-2), there are few ways in which he is an adult.
He reasons and communicates with the capabilities of a 7-year-old, and he always will. He will probably always believe that God lives under his bed, that Santa Claus is the one who fills the space under our tree every Christmas and that airplanes stay up in the sky because angels carry them.
I remember wondering if Kevin realizes he is different. Is he ever dissatisfied with his monotonous life?
Up before dawn each day, off to work at a workshop for the disabled, home to walk our cocker spaniel, return to eat his favorite macaroni-and-cheese for dinner, and later to bed. The only variation in the entire sche me is laundry, when he hovers excitedly over the washing machine like a mother with her newborn child. He does not seem dissatisfied.
He lopes out to the bus every morning at 7:05, eager for a day of simple work. He wrings his hands excitedly while the water boils on the stove before dinner, and he stays up late twice a week to gather our dirty laundry for his next day's laundry chores.
And Saturdays-oh, the bliss of Saturdays! That's the day my Dad takes Kevin to the airport to have a soft drink, watch the planes land, and speculates loudly on the destination of each passenger inside. 'That one's goin' to Chi-car-go!' Kevin shouts as he claps his hands. His anticipation is so great he can hardly sleep on Friday nights.
And so goes his world of daily rituals and weekend field trips.
He doesn't know what it means to be discontent. His life is simple.
He will never know the entanglements of wealth, of power, and he does not care what brand of clothing he wears or what kind of food he eats. His needs have always been met, and he never worries that one day they may not be.
His hands are diligent. Kevin is never so happy as when he is working. When he unloads the dishwasher or vacuums the carpet, his heart is completely in it. He does not shrink from a job when it is begun, and he does not leave a job until it is finished. But when his tasks are done, Kevin knows how to relax. He is not obsessed with his work or the work of others. His heart is pure. He still believes everyone tells the truth, promises must be kept, and when you are wrong, you apologize instead of argue. Free from pride and unconcerned with appearances, Kevin is not afrai d to cry when he is hurt, angry or sorry. He is always transparent, always sincere.
There are no monsters under the bed for Kevin - God's taken care of that. That's trust, folks - that's REAL trust.
from The Runaway Bride soundtrack, watched it AGAIN last Sunday night. and I don't know why but it bites each time, hehehe :) Ako lang yata ang kilala kong naiiyak sa mga scenes nung movie na yun hmph.. Today, we took a walk up the street We picked a flower, climbed a hill above the lake In secret thoughts We said aloud We watched the faces in the cloud Till the clouds are blown away… Were we ever somewhere else? You know, its hard to say… **Coz I never saw blue like that before Across the sky, around the world You’ve given me all you have and more And no one else has ever shown me how To see the world the way I see it now… Oh I…I never saw blue like that …. I can’t believe A month ago, I was alone I didn’t know, I haven’t seen or heard your name And even now, I’m so amazed Its like a dream, it’s like a rainbow It’s like the rain Some things are the way they are And words just can’t explain ** But it feels like now And it feels always And it feels like coming home…. ** Oh I… I never saw blue like that…
| Never Saw Blue Like That | | | | Shawn Colvin | |
| Start: | Feb 17, '07 6:00p | | End: | Feb 18, '07 06:00a |
20 years na kme...at marami-raming taon na rin ang dumaan nang una akong naging bahagi ng econsoc (melodramatic-sentimental mode)...pero sarap parin balik-balikan! Venue: Tesoro's Farm sa Brgy Puypuy, Bay Laguna!! weeeee!!
| Start: | Feb 17, '07 3:00p | | End: | Feb 17, '07 5:00p |
Edi anu pa, babalik ng tambayan ng econsoc, maghihintay ng aplikante (I wish) na pede utusan bumili ng iced tea...at hot franks (i wish ulit).
| | Yes, humada kami... :) (December 2, 2006)
- wakeboard at Lago de Oro (my last wakeboarding for 2006...2 months later na at wla paren...)
- lodging at Coral Resort, Calatagan
- dinner at Leslie's Tagaytay
- elbi the day after ;) |
My eyelids are starting to have a life of their own, or rather, my brain could have just lost control of the muscles in that area. Yep, its either my eyes are too tired from crying, and generally just being awake, or my brain is - from overthinking stuff, and not having enough sleep. And if the pimples on my forehead are indication of the level of stress that I'm going through right now....
It's sleepy me all over again, here at the office, and a full-blast aircon plus the fan blowing me away and keeping the threat of hypothermia close don't help much to alleviate my drowsiness. Later I'll be drinking a bottle of cola again, to keep the sugar high, and these eyes open. I've been very unproductive in the office, and yeah, the cat is away, so us mice are playing with abandon hehe :)
Later, I plan to do these stuff:
1. finish certificates for the SEAYF delegates
2. clean up my desk (my officemate looked for some stuff here and the whole drawer went crashing down, including all my stuff of course, so you can just imaging the state of disorder....)
3. clear up the papers on top of my desk, my cpu, the books on the shelves, and just about every corner of my work area...
4. LIQUIDATION. Liquidate on the Iloilo trip, prepare papers on the one in Brunei
5. organize computer desktop files
and hopefully, this will be a start of my work-productiveness...hehe!
Haay...a drag, my lunch pals don't seem to be letting up on their work yet.... Not that I'm hungry..but I need a break from staring at this computer....
Well anyway. Good day everyone!
| | This was supposed to be the album for all the delegates' solos and solos of all other people we encountered during the ASEAN Youth Forum on the Environment (8-11 Jan 2007 - The Empire Hotel, Brunei). Hehe, but I couldn't resist adding the other pictures as well :) |
So unoriginal, I know.
(portion done in brunei, during forum) It's my first time out of the country, and its a heluva place for a first timer like me. I'm staying at the Empire Hotel and Country Club, the only hotel which has claimed (and which has gained right to claim) to be a 6-star restaurant. I am currently in a conference room, in one of the 9 or so buildings within this huge tract of land, and I have a great view of the sea roaring and tumbling a stone's throw away (or so). I am surrounded by close to a hundred dynamic individuals, all young and raring to do good for the environment. I have been given a week to interact with people from ASEAN Member countries, and even get re-acquainted with other Ministry representatives - people I've interacted with during the previous ministerial meetings on the environment held at the Philippines.
The meeting organizers, Brunei Darussalam, and their Ministry for the Environment were gracious enough with the accomodations, with the bountiful supply of food, with the hospitality of their people. The activities scheduled allowed no breathing space and left our minds swirling with all these information on the environment. Ideas flourished, in line with the objectives of the forum...yet my mind is elsewhere, a mere two hours away, on an airplane.
I am currently at SM City Iloilo, and as usual, I am logging my current experiences here in exile. I should be shopping but I really don't feel like walking around anymore. I feel sooo drained by my wheezing and coughing, and I don't know what to do with it anymore. I think I need a good old cough syrup but the only one I drink is Ventolin. And I mean the syrup coz there's something psychologically refreshing when the syrupy stuff hits the itchy spots in the throat.
So, now I'm starting to sound like a cough syrup addict. The only help I've given my cough is lots and lots of water. I'm hesitant to take in medicine I'm not sure of coz of my countless allergies. Baka lumala pa eh.
And I left Tita Leonor to shop around and chose this internet sanctuary to rest and catch up with my online connections. Later on I'll catch up with her...I just need to get enuf of my will power to stand up from this chair...arggh...will power not yet full.
I wish I was back in Manila. I'm starting to miss its comforts. It's no good trying to fool myself into believing that I'm enjoying this trip coz I am not. I need to go home and fix some stuff, talk with some people, apologize to **** for the craziness coz I don't really think (now that I've thought long about it) that its even gonna work out. And, even if its gonna, I don't have the strenght to follow it through.
I'm at the stage where I don't really want (or feel the need) to invest my emotions again. Ayoko muna, allergic muna ako for the moment. I don't want to think about it, I don't want to feel it. I don't want to be part of it, as in.
Yes, this is lonely me. And bitchy me. I'm isolating myself it seems.
Still here at SEAFDEC, sneaking in a blog entry in a no-internet-for-non-SEAFDEC-employee computer. Hehe...oh well...
We're just about to get done with our research, and my throat and lungs are gonna have a few seconds relief from the dust inhalation before I go wheezing again because of the vehicle exhaust. The sea is just a stone's throw away but I can't seem to enjoy anything at this moment. I just feel like curling up in some clean area and sleeping until my coughs go away.
Tomorrow, we are going early to Boracay via Aklan/Caticlan we'll be taking a 10 minute boat ride or so I'm told. Before that we'd be facing a 4-hour bus ride from the city proper (Ceres bus) to Caticlan, hence the earliness. I just hope we get to enjoy our day there.
The next day we're going to Guimaras. We're staying at the port area, so transportation is not really a problem. From there, we don't have an agenda. We're just gonna explore, weee! :)
Coughing ahead...i mean, moving ahead.... we better get going...
Day 2:
Woke up early coz the agenda for the day was going to the UPV Main Library in Miag-ao, a good 40 or so kilometers from the City Proper (which was also a good 30 mins away from the port area where DENR was).
Got caught by internal (DENR internal that is) traffic, and our trip got delayed. In short, we wasted half our day waiting for nothing. We eventually were able to get going, and arrived a good 2 hours later in UPV Miag-ao. (to be continued...just sneaking this from Tigbauan Iloilo - SEAFDEC) heehee!
So we had our lunch first, at the UPV canteen, and whiled away our time hanggang 1pm na ulit. Went to the library armed with our OPAC-generated lists wherein I made a blunder and forgot to sign-out the theses I took from the serials section - to which I got a "do that again and you get suspended" heehee (sooo...I looked like a freshie ba?? hehe!).
We got back to the city proper and then ate an early dinner. By 8:30 pm I was already sleepy. Of course, having all that free time at night made me think of stuff that I'd rather not have thought of at all. Like attorney (nameless as ever!) and the ellipses he left me with. And the toot guy who's making a move. And then, of course, there's wishing well guy. In short, it was senti-mode night for me. Haay...
Day 3:
Woke up early (again) and headed to SEAFDEC after breakfast. We didn't pass by the planning office anymore, for fear of getting tied up and not being able to do what we sought to do here in the first place. Good thing we did go to SEAFDEC early coz they had an... (to be continued again...)
(continued...) They had a Christmas party in the afternoon, so they were closing the library temporarily. Of course we had to come back the next day. So we just went back to the city, explored the Robinson's in the area, had a henna tatoo done somewhere on my body and then went home tired.
Sadly, I wasn't able to sleep up until past 12mn. I'm trying to finish the Paget-Carelli saga that I started on my way here to Iloilo. Almost done...
So this is what exile means (me, imagining talking to ate bamba in a much normal situation).
Why the heck is there no television in our lodging?? Haay, missed the television more when friend martin txted about wakeboarding and surfing on anc 27 Sports Unlimited. But I think I already watched this the night before, on Channel 2? (or did I?). Went to bed at about 8:30 p.m. last night (and if you know me, you'd also know that this for me is extremely abnormal). Of course I didn't sleep pa, rather, I got to reading a big fat book by Richard North Patterson (Degree of Guilt) and the saga with his son's wife (and the blossoming love story between him and Terri Peralta). Okay, so this is sounding like a book review....
So there I was, willing myself to fall asleep and balancing reading the book and replying to txt messages...when at about 10pm I finally got to sleep. Now that is another big surprise for those who know me. Yep, people, its an announcement, I fell asleep at 10pm. And worse yet, I was awake at 6am, got ready way before 8am, and even got to attend the flag ceremony (at DENR Region 6 Regional Office).
Afterwards, we made courtesy visits to the Regional Executive Director for R6 (RED Julian Amador) and the RD for EMB6. Then we discussed our plans while we are in Iloilo. Itinerary made, we went our own way to SM (and then found out that there were 3) and ate lunch at SM City (the biggest one, I think). We proceeded to UP Visayas after this.
 And so I got to have my picture taken with UPV's oblation (which I won't put here nalang, tama na itong oble iloilo version). I'm just wondering though, will there be an oblation run here also? Coz if there is...I sure as hell am not gonna miss it, hehehe!
This is day 1 of my exile in Iloilo. I can't say I'm enjoying it. I can't say I'm not. All I can say is that I'm missing a few people. I'm counting down the days. Hopefully by day 4 or 5, we'd be able to rendezvous to Boracay (I sure am keeping my fingers crossed). For now however, plans for doing that is next to nil coz Boracay just got ravaged by the typhoon (and Iloilo is hot and sunny...heck!).
I dunno what our plans for tonight are. But it looks like I'd be meeting more of Chris Paget and Terri Peralta (and all the other characters of the big book I brought). I am so darn relieved that I did bring this book, haay!
| Start: | Dec 10, '06 4:00p | | End: | Dec 17, '06 9:00p |
At last, the long-postponed trip to Iloilo will finally fall through. Sadly, I don't feel excited about it. Haay...bahala na si batman. Who knows, I might get something out of it ;)
I am unwritten,
Can't read my mind
I'm undefined
I'm just beginning
The pen's in my hand
Ending unplanned
So here I go again. Last thursday, I got to writing something here but it ended up unpublished as I got distracted by work that just had to be done. Now, I'll give it a try again. And, heck if this doesn't get posted again, hehe :)
Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words
That you could not find
Okay...so its not that easy to think up of things that I'd like to put into writing. Actually, there are so many topics, and issues, in my mind right now that I need to deal with - and I feel I need to analyze and dissect minute details of.... So hopefully, I get to write it here.
Eversince I've gotten into doing blogs, I've stopped (indefinitely) writing on my room-bound personal journal. Advantages: I get to write about my current feelings about love, life, and other stuff the minute I feel like it. Disadvantages: The fact that it's online - well, words do get censored (by me) ever so often, and some events too (heehee!). Mahirap na, there are some words which should remain unsaid, and unread about ;)
Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in....
drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten Oh
And so it goes, that I'm living this life of mine the way I've always wanted it. Work like I'd get no other opportunity to finish stuff, have fun with people who have made existence more bearable than it would otherwise be, love... errr.....lets leave it at the first two....
Now I'm getting into new stuff. Wakeboarding, surfing, weee! I just hope I'd get to continue doing these stuff (addicting, I swear!). I also made new friends, and for this I am extremely glad. Hopefully also, I'd get to try other new stuff, and start making a dent in that "to learn" list of mine.
I break tradition
Sometimes my tries
Are outside the lines
We've been conditioned
To not make mistakes
But I can't live that way oh, oh
Okay. So I'm not exactly who you'd call traditional. But I still like to think that I'm conventional in more ways than one - conservative in some aspects of life and living. But I hate it that until now the people around me are forcing me to conform the the strict lines of tradition. I do not conform. I cannot forever be restricted by that long list of norms that our society has. And thinking about it...arggh...can you even qualify that as "living a life"?? And okay, I am ranting. I can't help it. They want me to conform but I can't.
I've tried. Hope this made sense. These are just some of the stuff that are brewing in this mixed-up mind right now. Call it post-menstrual syndrome (if there even is such a thing) but I still feel all f*&ked up about things.
Haay....
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